I have done a lot of changing in the last 3 months. I have been single and alone for all 90 days of it. I have cried, screamed and pretty much got over you. You on the other hand has gone out of dates and matter of fact had a girlfriend for 6 weeks. After telling me that it just happened that you really didn't want it to go as far as it did. You know what thats BULLSHIT! The second that relationship started getting serious or the words "I Love You" came into play then if you didn't want a relationship you should have told her NO! You should have broken it off right there. Who am I to tell you this? The same person that has changed her whole life to prove to you that I wanted to be with you. The least that you could have done was get rid of the condoms in your living room before I came over. I have pretty much ditched my friends to stay home to prove to you that I can be alone. I haven't dated anyone. The words I Love You hasn't came out of my mouth in 3 months. And if they did it was towards YOU! I chopped off all my pretty long hair, had a abortion that I will NEVER DO EVER AGAIN and finally when I stop crying over you, you come walking right back into my life. You don't want a relationship with me right now but in order to prove to you that I want to get back with you I have to devote my whole life around you. If I ask what do I get out of all of this, you think its always about me. Well Greg, I have walls up to because of you. Put my whole life on hold after the abortion because I thought that we were going to start talking again. As much as I have hurt you you have also hurt me. Did I break your trust? Yes. Why should I have to tell you every little personal thing I do if we aren't together? Why can't I prove to you my honesty by being open and honest without the fear of you walking out again? If I talk to Joe or do anything short of cutting him out of my life for good your gone, if I talk to Johnny or have him come over or go out to the bar with friends and Johnny is part of the group then your gone. Greg, yes I know that I fucked up in the past with Joe and with the whole myspace whatever bullshit but you know you haven't told me not one thing about how you feel.

Why do I think I should get a second chance? Because I did what you wanted me to do... WAITED! I waited for 3 fucking months for you. For what? For you to date someone else for 6 weeks, for you to get your own place, for you to get your life together. You promised me that once I got this abortion done we could start talking again.. What happened? You started dating Ashley. Yeah and you know what, what did I do? I fucking cried, screamed and did whatever I could to have you back. If that meant cutting off myspace I would have done it. Greg, I don't want a relationship with you right now. I don't want to fall for you till I know for sure that you are staying here. I don't even think about starting a relationship with you until then. So, if that means being friends until then. Great! Matter of fact I think thats a great idea. I don't even want to think about you in anymore of a way as a friend until I know your staying here. I'm not going to get myself all attached to you again for you to leave me again broken hearted. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair for the guys that do want to date me. I have waited and waited and waited. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I wanted you. I wanted you ever since the day you left. I can't do this anymore. Your killing me, you really are. I don't want a relationship with you right now, I'm single we aren't together right now, I waited for you, if I want to date and do whatever I want without fearing your going to stop talking to me. I am even willing to go seek someone of a professional to talk to the both of us about the things that went wrong. So, not only can you take me seriously about this but so we don't make the same mistakes again.

I didn't realize just who's reading my blog till I went to check my myspace and I had about 5 messages from people commenting on it. This whole Joe situation is kinda crazy. If Joe was to start a life here then who knows what could happen. However as far as I know Joe is moving to Cali where family and friends are. Which I totally understand. As much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to move to Cali I would have to go to court and beg to not only to the judge but to John.

About Greg. We don't even know if hes going to be able to stay here or have to go back to Canada. Everything is up in the air. EVERYTHING! The only thing that I know is that I'm staying put here in Michigan, I'm working here, going to school and my boys father is here.

Could things be better? Sure. If I only had one wish and one wish only.. I would wish I knew who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Its just that plain and simple. I wouldn't care if he already had a girlfriend, is married right now, has kids.. nothing. I just want to know that part of my life.

I don't know whats going to happen in my life. I just want everyone to take one day at a time. As much as I want to rush things and get married to the next guy that asks me and run off and buy a house and spend the rest of my life with someone. I just have to slow down and find out what happens.

Its been another lovely day with Greg today. I finally got to see what and where his apt is and to be honest its not that bad. Kinda small but you know what for being the other person there not bad at all. Good for you Greg. We sat and ate at Applebees for at least two hours just talking about everything that is going on and all that crap. It was nice. Then it was off to the driving range. Which it would have been an amazing time if it wasn't so cold. Greg shot off the whole bucket of balls and we laughed and joked around. It was getting late and I still had to pick up the boys so I dropped him off back at home and left. Things are really going good between us. Which lets keep the fingers crossed that they continue this way. I'm sure that I could easily fall in love with him again. Just a few more kinks to work out and everything will be sailing. I got what I needed to hear from him with one simple word. "Maybe." That was it. That one simple word made my whole day. All I said was that I loved him and that I knew that he did too but is just to scared in fear that I will hurt him again. Then I said that if he didn't still care about me then he would have never called. I saw that little twinkle in his eye and that smile that I slowly forgotten over time. All he said was "maybe". Only then as I was pulling away did I realize that it doesn't matter what happened in the past and it doesn't matter what we will fight about as long as one person still believes that something good will come out of it good things will happen.

I know what your feeling times a million times 16 weeks. Thats what you made me feel like. Think about her being with someone else for a second. Yeah feel kinda sick don't you. Yeah I did too. You can smoke a pack a day and drink till your head spins but the pain will be there the next day. Check her myspace a million times a day. Yup I did that too. Doesn't do any good besides make you go crazy. You can have sex with someone else, be with your bestest friends and still at night before you go to bed you still think about her. Yeah I was there. You'll laugh and have a good time with someone else but inside you might feel a little guilty because your not with her doing it. Been there. Sometimes just to make it though the day you will think about what she might be doing. Sometimes you will even hope that when you pull into your driveway her car will be sitting there waiting for you. Sometimes when your sitting outside and you look up at the moon or the stars you often wonder if she is looking at them too. Yeah know it all to well. When your driving around if its from work to home or back or just little stops at the store you'll see what looks like her car and want to call her. I did. Sometimes going back to what was comfortable before felt so much better but you soon realize that its all smoke and mirrors.

Heres what you do.. Ready? You get really shit face drunk, cry your fucking eyes out, scream and toss yourself on the kitchen floor, pray that it isn't true, scream out why a hundred times, then you pick yourself up off the floor dust yourself off, take a shower and move on. Thats what it took for me to stop crying over you.

I think I'm going to take off the ring Greg got me today. I think this weekend I'm going to buy me another set of earrings too. (crying) Its to hard to love someone so much when they love someone else. Its clear as day that he still loves Ashley. Does me make me sick? Yup. Do I care? To a point. I think if anything I'm so frustrated because I'm trying to work at a relationship point of view with the flirting and little comments but he doesn't care or at least doesn't make me feel that he does. Hes still so hung up on her. Which is fine because there break up wasn't that long ago but you know what you only dated for a short period of time and for a whole week you guys didn't even talk. If he wants to be with her then fucking be with her.(angry) Do whatever it would take to be with her because thats what I was doing with him. I'd call, text, send him cute little things, begged and well I'm talking to him again but its not the same. I love the guy but what does love have to do with anything anymore if he loves someone else? I think I'm just going to hang back for a while. If he calls I'll answer, if he texts I'll text back but I can't make the first move anymore. Its not fair to me. I don't need to get hurt anymore. I have been a lot this year. Now, I'm not saying its all about me, me, me but if I don't look out for me who will? Greg? Hes looking out for Ashley well thats what it feels like.