Greg and I had our first little fight. Once again taking baby steps is so hard. I didn't understand what he wanted me to do to prove to him that I have changed. I'm still kinda confused why I have to prove to him this way but whatever.

I have to prove to him that I can be alone. However if I start to talk to someone or wanna date someone then I have to be honest with him and tell him but I'd lose him. What I don't get is that I'm single and I don't even know how Greg feels so why do I have to be depressed and alone so he can see I can be alone. I hate being alone. Who likes that? I have been alone for 3 f-ing months. I hate it. I want someone special part of my life. Doesn't make any sense to me.

He dated someone for a month and whatever after telling me he wanted to be alone. Grr.. writing about this is kinda making me mad at Greg. When we were together I looked outside the relationship online not in person. I can see dropping myspace because thats where I looked but no he doesn't want that. He wants me to be alone in person. This is all kinda crazy and I hope that Greg reads this and maybe clear up some things. I can see if we (Greg and I) we seeing each other or something along those lines but he hasn't told me much about how he feels. I didn't date anyone after we broke up because I wanted to be able to kiss someone and not worry about being committed to someone else, I wanted to be able to get a break from the fighting we were doing on a day to day bases. Hes the one that went out with someone and did whatever. Maybe HE should be the one that is alone for a while. Maybe he should prove to me that he can be alone. Honestly I have been alone. Alone for a while. Because I had sex with someone or went out on a date still makes me alone. I didn't have someone to tell them I love them too, I didn't get butterflies when I thought about them. I didn't have someone to talk to 50 million times a day. He did. I wasn't expecting to ever hear from Greg again so yes I went out, had sex, went out on dates. I didn't break up with him because I wanted to be alone I broke up with him because the stress of the relationship was to much on the both of us and both of us were going to snap.

I want a committed relationship now. The stress from the past with us is no longer part of it anymore. Why can't he see that? I'm not asking for a relationship again with him right this second but you know what I'm still not in a relationship with him. I'm not in a relationship with anyone. Hell, I'm not even talking to someone in a relationship way. Johnny from work is a guy that needs someone to help him get his shit together. If he can get hes shit together before I start seeing someone then I'll date Johnny. Why not? I have waited for Greg for a long time. Who was I crying about for months at a time? Greg. What was he doing? DATING Ashley. Did he think about me? Probably not. I remember texting Greg one night and I wrote me back saying something along the lines that he wants to date just not date me. I was so hurt I almost cried at work.

I don't know. I don't want to fight with Greg about this and I have a feeling that it may start one. I just needed to write this all down to get it off my chest. If someone comes across this and reads it PLEASE give me some advice. I know there was a time where I cried for 12 weeks in a row after Greg and I broke up. When my good days were when I didn't cry about him and my great days was when I didn't even think about him at all.

I can't believe what I day I have had. It was pure bliss on so many levels. Greg stayed the night on Saturday and we had such a great time together. We drank and talked and joked around. We didn't go to bed till 4am. I slept on the futon mat in the living room and Greg had the bed. The kids were at there dads so we didn't have to worry about them. We both got up about noon-ish to start our day. We talked some more and played around a lot. We started the day with Tim Horton's coffee and off to putt-putt we went. He of course kicked my ass and I didn't care. I made a few pretty good shots. I now owe him a back rub. Next, we went to the driving range. He had told me that he hadn't played golf in a while cause of the money situation and I understood. We shot off a bucket of balls and had a blast. Next was time to eat. I took him to BD's cause we went there before as a couple and he really liked it. I had to take him there again. After that it was off to the movies. I really wanted to see Halloween and there wasn't anyone else I would rather see it with. We walked the mall since we had some time to spare and I really kinda told him how I felt. Thank God I did it without crying. I didn't say everything cause I didn't want to break down and cry right there. There was a few spots that I didn't want to touch up on like this whole Ashley thing cause I was really hurt by the whole thing. After the movies I had to top off the night with some ice cream. We stopped off the the nearest DQ that I knew and we sat and ate some ice cream and talked some more. He told me a lot about his plans for the next few months and I really think that its going to fall his way. After ice cream we had to get the boys. John was pretty upset with me cause I picked them up so late but I didn't care. I was with Greg and I knew that they were in a safe place so he can spend the extra time with them.

Watching Greg again with the boys brought me to tears (tearing up) I don't know what it is. It still feels right. Greg knew that it was on my mind. He can read me like a book. I love it and at the same time I hate it. I don't know what it is. I wish that he kids were around so I could show him how it feels.

Once we got home I kinda guessed that something was on his mind he would smile then look at me and say nothing. All I got out of him was that he was thinking about the day and seeing the boys and all that. I was pressing for more but didn't get anything. He said that once he gets all this thoughts together he'll tell me. I'm waiting. I did get him to admit that he really did miss me and that felt good to hear. I really think that hes starting to see the changes that we (the boys and I) have made. FINALLY! LOL. It felt good to have him here. It still felt right.

I can't wait for what the next few months will hold. Hopefully more blogs like this.

Time to get the boys into bed and get some homework done.

Greg and I was texting pretty much all day this afternoon. It kinda felt like the good ol' days. I told him that if anything happened he'd always have a place to stay and always have a key to my place. He wanted to stop by tonight not thinking that I had to work. Of course I did. I wanted to see him. I needed to see him. I got to work and we were dead. I think there was two maybe three tables there. I told Scott my manager for the night that I wanted to get out of there asap. He knows Greg and pretty much everything that happened in the relationship. I told Greg that I was getting out asap and that I wanted to see him. I rolled my silver and did my dressings and cleaned my tables. I had only one table and made 4 bucks. FINALLY Scott let me go around 8:15. Greg called me and told me that he and his girlfriend broke up. Inside I was excited. Outside I was hurt because Greg was hurt.

I bought him beer and ice cream and we ordered pizza. We talked a lot about things with him and his girlfriend now ex and I can tell he was kinda confused about the whole situation. I felt his pain. We ate, talked and played video games. It kinda felt like old times again. Minus the hugs and kisses. I was completely good.

I told him that if he needed a place to crash for a few days to not be around in his apt alone on his birthday then he was more then happy to crash here. I would even sleep on the couch and the boys would be at there dad's so the boys wouldn't even be here. I'm waiting on a answer. Its just so weird seeing him now. Hes totally different then how I know him. I have to put some meat on his bones. I don't know everything is just different. I hate it. I really loved who he was before and I don't know that person anymore. Kinda weird. Same person, looks kinda the same but its not.

So my question for everyone is...

Why is it so hard to be friends with someone when you have strong feelings for them? This is why I can't date friends. I have tried and its just so hard. I don't know I think I want to do some homework so I don't have any this weekend. Later peeps.

So I show up to work and Greg is already there to meet me. We are kinda walking in together. I try and talk to him for a but cause I haven't seen the man in 3 months. Not even 5 minutes later I have a table. Which is no problem. I take it. Then 2 seconds later I have another. Then another. I get Greg's food out to him and hes eating and some what happy and then we get slammed. I have 7 tables going and all are really running me. There are 4 waitress on the floor and everyone else is just as busy. We had managers busing tables (which is the hostesses job) I had pre-bused all my tables so there was only napkins and glasses on my tables. It was crazy. Every single one of my tables left me anywhere from 4 bucks to 6 bucks. Cut me some slack people! I have to make salads and get soups going and everyone whats fucking bread now! Finally after our rush its cut down to just the closers.

Closers: The last two waitresses that have to make sure the FOH (Front of House) and BOH (Back of House)are clean and ready for the next day. Which was Paula and I. We both are considered has strong servers.

After the rush and all that I have two more tables both leave me 10 bucks. All in all I made $56 bucks from 5 to 10. Thats even paying for Gregs food. Which only cost me 5 bucks. What a night I tell ya.

Tonight I go in again. Matter of fact I go in for the next couple of days. Sunday and Monday's are my days off. I have to bank tonight and for the rest of the week. I have a ticket for speeding to pay and Greg's birthday is Saturday which I told him that I wanted to take him out somewhere. But on Sunday and not Saturday. Anywho.. talk to everyone later.

"Let U Go"

Broken promises
But you don't really mind
It's not the first time
And you know it, don't you know
Tell me why it is you only smile inside
But when you break me into nothing
Don't you know

It's not like I haven't tried
Over and over again
Stupid fights
Wrong or right
Goodbye...

[Chorus:]
I Remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
No I don't wanna but I gotta let you go

You're the one mistake
I really didn't mind
So beautiful, unmerciful
It took me down
Too little and too late
So now I know your kind
You fake it easy, just to please me
Don't you know

It's not like we haven't tried
Over and over again
Sleepless nights wrong or right
Goodbye...

[Chorus:]
(slows down)

I gotta let u go...
It's you...
Theres nothing I can do

I remember when you came with me that night
You said forever [3x]

Here I am again
With nothing left inside
No I don't wanna but I gotta
Let U Go

[Chorus:]