It's something that I am truly having to deal with on a day by day bases nowadays. Everywhere I am turning someone I know is getting engaged. I think if someone else I know gets engaged I'm really going to scream and cry like a little child. I'm so sick of all these people being happy and so in love. UGH.. Hell yes I'm jealous. For all that I know Greg and I could have been engaged by now. For God's sake we had everything just about planned out. From rings I wanted, flowers, my dresses, bridesmaid dresses, table tops, cakes, everything. Then one day its gone. Everything!

I'm still trying like hell to get into contact with Greg and he doesn't answer nor call me back. Which is fine. I can wait. I still have hope that once all this deportation paper work is done and if he is able to stay here that he will be able to relax a little bit and we can start over again. (keeping fingers crossed)

I've been drinking a lot lately I don't know why maybe cause its free drinks, maybe I'm just depressed, maybe because I need a break from life but its been about 3 to 4 times a week now. I'm not getting $h!t faced or anything alright I did once but I have been just having one or two drinks. I'm hanging with work people some of them I am getting pretty close with and others I'm seeing there true colors.

Well, I better start working on some school work. Woo its 11:11 make a wish... Wish made... Alright well..Goodnight..

On my drive I got a lot of thinking done and I still have no answers to share with anyone. I don't know if it was a sign that I couldn't find what I was looking for or if the place really is real.

I drove by some first place visits and by an ex's fathers house and I broke into tears.

I'm losing hope. (crying) Why out of all the people that would love to be with me I only want to be with him?

Why is it that I make changes in my life to make things easier to with him and he doesn't even wanna see? Why out of all the woman that he has dated he gives them a second chance and not me? He told me that he loved me and that he loved the boys. Everything that I once had is gone because of me. Everything that I had ever dreamed of was going to happen and now has stopped because of me.

His mum has stopped writing. I don't know if its because of him telling her not to write me or if its because of other reasons.

How can someone not want to share my same thoughts and dreams about getting a house and starting a family and watching my husband and kids work on cars or go play golf together. Sunday morning breakfast together as a family. Going to the zoo. Waking up daddy in the morning cause the kids are to excited to open gifts on Christmas. I wanna go back to being a Mary Poppins again.

So, I went jean shopping today and I was sitting at Pizza Hut and I was talking to Kelsey from work and I realized that I think my eating disorder is back. I realized that I don't eat as much as I should and when I do eat lately it has been just popcorn or rice and pizza maybe once a week. When I work I eat and thats only a small plate of something. The boys are eating so I don't want anyone to think that they aren't being taken care of because they are.

I think I need to get out and go somewhere. I have an idea where to drive but scared to drive out there. I think I'm just going to do it. Before the sun sets and its dark and I get lost. (Takes a deep breathe) Alright I'm going to get directions.

Just to catch everyone up in my life.. Still no word on Greg or his mom who I have e-mailed twice. My phone is cut off. You can call me however I can't call you. Um.. we can wear jeans starting Wed at work. YAY! I have to go jean shopping tomorrow which I'm kinda excited about because I get to go shopping however kinda upset cause I have to spend money that I really don't have. Um.. Oh I got my grades back from my finals I got a C and a C+ which is passing so I'm happy. I kinda did some slacking off cause I'm still trying to working on this whole Greg thing and kinda partying with Brandy so I missed a few assignments. However I have to get my GPA up and start doing better. The classes I have now are Religion and Science. Which the religion class is going to be interesting to say the least. The Science I don't think I'm going to do to good in but I'm going to try like hell to pass.

What else??? I don't know I think thats it for now. Oh I checked Greg's LJ and I saw that he has a few blogs that are private which makes me wonder what he has said and I noticed that he deleted a lot of posts as well. Which I don't know makes me really sad and I started to get upset again. I still have hopes that in time things will calm down and we can get back together. I really just think that we had a lot of stress going on with each other and when we got together things kinda got out of hand. We both said and did somethings that I know I wish that I never did. Oh well I'm still waiting. Any who.. thats it for me. I wish anyone that is reading these blogs would at least sign my guestbook. I'm kinda wondering whos reading all these. Love you all.

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. You tend to be a very productive thinker. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

In some ways its very true. Kinda scary.